On this journey into financial well-being, I've recognized a few very silly yet dangerous ideas I had regarding money:

- I was treating credit available balances as checking accounts "Hey, I have 2000 in available balance, therefore I have 2000 dollars" ...
I wasn't aware of this but let's say I had to do an oil change for $20, looked into my checking, no money. Oh, Look! I have money on this credit card, charge and forget about it. Money on my credit cards is not my money. I shouldn't be using it as a secondary checking account. Silly ugh?

- I am in the red each month but I don't like to hear "you can not afford cable, or a premium plan for your cell" for days I thought people were crazy, "of course I can afford it, cable is "just" $40 and the premium cell plan is "just" $20 extra. What I didn't think is, where are those $60 coming from? I do not have them. So, it is true, I can not afford those things. Plain and simple.

I look back and I am not sure what I was thinking, denial perhaps?

A member here invited me to feel empowered by cutting back instead of defeated or depressed. I like that option and I chose it for me.

So now I thrive to use only money that is mine (aka my salary) and I am getting ready to do those adjustments, one at a time and with the ever so important sense of self-care and self-compassion.
When I am ready to let go and not any sooner.

First one on the list is cable.

I decided that before I make the call to cut it:
I will borrow some DVDs from the library
I will buy my son a few DVD's and a few for me (around $60 for initial collection)
I will wait for those DVD to arrive
I will assign $5/month to buy DVDs or go to the movies.

These are concessions I feel I can do although it means I will still be in the red for a couple of months.
It will be ok.

For the last three days, unconsciously, I had gone back to the old habits.

I worked on my budget, and other 'worries' until almost midnight for three nights. I didn't meditate/pray or take any me-time.

True I made very good progress on those 3 days, but at what cost?
I am tired, jittery again, my back pain is back, and my confidence is bruised. I had gone back to ruminating negative and self defeating thoughts all day "How am I going to make it" "What will happen if this or that happen" "I am not doing enough or fast enough or good enough" "I should be doing more", "This or that shoud be done by now" "I have to do this, and this and that" "What will happen to my son" "What will happen to me", etc etc. Like a friend of mine said: "I don't have a voice inside my head, I have a committee!"

Last night, at 11:20pm I realized all this, turned my attention to me and my mind and my body and I just stopped, in the middle of my next click. I didn't wait to be "at a point" I just closed the laptop, got in my PJ (well, I also washed my face and brushed my teeth) and went to sleep.
My mind was begging for me to take a rest, take it easy and leave my load for God to carry. My body was begging for some rest. I know I'd better listen.

Whatever I did on those three days I could have done on 6 or even 9 and nobody would have died, the world wouldn't have come to an end and that wouldn't have made me into a bad, irresponsible or careless person.

Being anxious and taking charge has not served me well, ever!
Being serene, grateful, visualizing what I need and allowing for things to happen, being patient and caring to myself has served me very well in the short 5 weeks that I have been doing it.

I have even "accomplished" more on those 5 weeks of serene life than in years of jumpy, edgy activity.
Wow, I can not believe it has only been 5 weeks...really?
It doesn't make sense that I accomplish more by doing less, but I am not going to argue with success at this point, I don't need to understand it.

Ok, so I took a 3 day detour into anxiety and worries, and that is all right, it enforces my desire to stay out of that state of mind. I experienced first hand its harmful effects and by becoming aware, all the tension, worry, anxiety melted away.

This is nice

I have been raised non-frugal and now I am converting.
I have the tendency of fixing problems by buying stuff or services.
Why? That is the way I was raised and until now, I never had the need to look for a different way. It just never occurred to me there was a different way.

Scary thing is that I am the most pragmatic, less shopaholic and most anti-consumerism of all my friends.
Some frugal things I've always done, because I grew up with them:

- I am 39 and I am driving my third car, and the only reason it is not the second is because a crane truck destroyed the previous one while I was at a red light. I am currently driving the most expensive car I even bought, my $20,000 Honda Civic 2006. I had a baby and got a lot of grievance "you have to get a van now" Why? I had a human baby, not an elephant, he fits just fine on my civic, I would reply.
- I own 8 pairs of shoes average price of $12 and I think it is plenty
- I am not into jewelry, I think I own 10-12 items, all gifts
- I don't buy clothing unless something I own has broken or needs to be retired. I have clothing that is more than 10 years old and still going. I never spend more than $60 on a piece of clothing and my average price is $25 for a good pair of pants, $40.
- I don't tint my hair, and I don't think I will until I grow grays. I cut my hair 2-3 times a year.

All that is natural to me, unfortunately, the following is not, therefore the need to change:

- I had not been to tracking my expenses until now; It took a few months to get used to it. I know I don't spend much on clothing, for example, but I still don't know how much it is.
- I never looked into how much I spend in food; I bought all I wanted and then more and ate out all I wanted too. Mainly lunches though. I am not into fine dining unless there is a big occasion.
- I never looked into how much I spent on household, I bought all I wanted to organize or beautify my home
- I had always solved problems by spending; Buy a how to book, pay for coaching, buy a "solution" be it software, a kit, etc.
- I had never allocated money for upcoming expenses that are not monthly; car maintenance, car registration, aaa memberships, taxes, etc

There are different ways and I am learning

I still don't feel I have a proper meal planning or a handle on how much I spend in groceries. However...

It never mattered what method I used, what book I read, who did I ask, I would keep on eating out more than my share, throwing away lots of spoiled food and spending way to much at the grocery store. It was affecting my budget, my health and my sanity!

Then I stopped trying and I have been bringing my lunch for a few days now. Actually I have lunch today (fish and barley) and tomorrow's lunch is ready cooked in the fridge (chicken and split pea cream) I don't know how I am doing it.

And that has been the key, letting go of the how, relax, allow for those things to come to me, on my own time, without guilt or judgment.

I effortlessly prepare nutritious and delicious meals for me and my family.
This or something better manifests for me in harmonious ways for the better good of all involved.

This is so nice.

I have made a few mistakes.

I forgot one bill, I know a late fee is coming. Breathe, it happens. It is ok.

I forgot my cell phone charger today, breathe, turn it off, save for the commute. It is ok.

Tonight I will take care of that bill, late fee included, readjust budget a litle.

Tonight I will put my cell charger in my purse. It is ok.

I will make mistakes. but I can start anew any time I want. I don't have to be error free next week or next month. I start anew right now. Self judment and guilt are not welcome here, they have no power because they are not useful to me.

Self patience and understanding takes me far. I move forward.

This are the desires I am manifesting:

* I am free of unsecured debt.
Debt disolves and the credit cards become a plastic fund for real emergencies, they become a source of piece of mind, not a burden.

* I eat nutritious, delicious meals that I effortlessly prepare for myself and my family.
I prepared pasta for my son and I. Read a book about bulk cooking, I am figuring this out.

* I am secured for my retirement.

* My home is neat and clean, It is easy to find anything I need, it is easy to keep it clean. I enjoy being in my home.

I have a 3/2 plus a pc area, and laundry area.

My living room is clean and neat
My Dining room is clean and neat
My Bathroom 1 is neat and clean
My Bedroom 3 is clean and neat
PC area is clean and neat
My Laundry area is clean and neat


Becoming clean and neat
Bedroom 1
Bedroom 2
Bathroom 2
Kitchen (I had forgotten this one!)
Garage

I have removed a lot of objects from my house, donating, trashing. For every 4 drawers, 3 remain empty, waiting for a purpose. I feel light and powerful. It is so easy to breathe!

I go into the rooms that have been decluttered and cleaned, they are a sanctuary I just seat, relax, be. My whole house, my home becomes a sanctuary. I detach from so much stuff, I move forward.

This is so nice.

I am patient with myself.
Everything happens at the perfect pace.

I had planned to de-clutter the laundry area after work last night. I also wanted to work on my budget (allocating monthly money to pay for yearly expenses such as AAA membership and Car registration)

That was the plan and it was a good plan, but after I had my baby bathed, changed and fed, I felt sleep. Clearly my body needed some rest. This is ok. I woke up around 10:30pm, took off my contact lenses off, brushed my teeth, changed into my PJ's and continued sleeping.

I am listening to my body and respecting it. I learned that I can have plans and that is ok if I have to adapt and even postpone.

My feelings of guilt for not completing a task just dissolve, it is ok, the laundry room can wait, and the finer details of my budget can wait. It was time to rest, it was the right decision.

I open, I relax, I breathe, I stop the self judgment, thus accepting blessings and allowing for good things to come into my life.

I brought lunch today again, that is nice...

This are the desires I am manifesting:

* I am free of unsecured debt.
I had to use credit this pay period because I came on short, but I am deducing those charges from the checking account, so that when I deposit my salary I'll have the money to pay back for those new charges. - like it never happened -

* I eat nutritious, delicious meals that I effortlessly prepare for myself and my family.
I brought lunch today, chicken and lentils and fruit.

* I am secured for my retirement.

* My home is neat and clean, It is easy to find anything I need, it is easy to keep it clean. I enjoy being in my home.

I have a 3/2 plus a pc area, and laundry area.

My living room is clean and neat
My Dining room is clean and neat
Bedroom 3 is clean and neat
PC area is clean and neat

Becoming clean and neat
Bedroom 1
Bedroom 2
Bathroom 1
Bathroom 2
Laundry area
Garage

I was getting stressed, so i stopped and look for answers, inside.

I started with some affirmations:

I have all the wisdom I need inside of me.
I am able to figure things out.
I know exactly what I need to do for the greater good of all concerned.

There are some actions I need to take, it is clear to me:

I need to follow up on my request for hardship, my next payment is July 16 and I need to be if I am still approved to do reduced payments. That is ok, it is just a phone call. It keeps things moving.

I need to deposit a couple of checks I received, the one for the car interests refund and the one from the insurance reimbursing me for towing expenses.

My insurance increased $5 and cents due to my car accident, that is ok, i will have plenty of money to absorb that increase. No worries. It is ok.

After that, I just need to keep on doing my tracking, consistently, easily, and everything falls into place.

I do not have to figure everything else right now, it will come.

I take charge of my finances on my own time, and it is perfect.

I enjoy taking care of my finances.
I find it easy to relax.
I am not haunted by the unknowns, I have now all the knowledge I need, now, in me.

I am patience with myself. I know there is some anxiety left from my old habits, my old programming.

I am better everyday, anxiety dissolves faster and faster each time.

I have some receipts to enter in my tracker, I was avoding this, but I realize there is no need to dread my tracking.

I enjoy taking care of my finances.
I visualize what I need, I don't need to figure out the "how", that is not for me to carry. I move forward.

Money flows effortlessly to me.
I love to give and I love to receive.

I received an unexpected check for $135 and cents because I paid a car a few years ago before its terms. That is very nice.

I am getting a hold of my discretionary expenses, I received a tool that works for me: xpenser dot com.

I have a healthy relationship with my money.

I am better every day. Everything falls in place effortlessly.

I enjoy taking care of my finances.

I find it easy to relax.

- I am getting a hold of my discretionary spending.
- I am organizing my kitchen so it is easier to cook.
- I am reducing the dining outs so I can eat home made nutritious meals.

I do this on my own time, allowing things to happen, being open to receive these blessings on my life.

This or something better manifests to me now on harmonious ways, for the better good of all.

This is what I am manifesting for myself. I am writing my goals in present time:

* I am free of unsecured debt.
* I eat nutritious, delicious meals that I effortlessly prepare for myself and my family.
* I am secured for my retirement.
* My home is neat and clean, It is easy to find anything I need, it is easy to keep it clean. I enjoy being in my home.